What is Christmas

What is Christmas?  Today, we "celebrated" the day with my family.  It wasn't much of a celebration.  We went to my cousins house and ate.  I don't think my kids really enjoyed it.  It was very different from what we are used to doing.

Do you every feel like an outsider within your family?  That is kind of the way I felt today.  My two older boys are still in Connecticut and spent the day with their grandmother.  I talked to Jeremy twice, once yesterday and once today.  It was nice to hear from him.

Growing up, I have very fond memories of Christmas.  However, as I really stop to think about it, they are sorted memories.  There are multiple Christmas "chapters".  Birth to five was in Guymon and I have pictures to remember those early holiday happenings.  From five to thirteen, we were in Basalt, Colorado.  Sometimes my mom worked on Christmas day, but we always had something special with my sister and her family.  Those memories are vivid and probably represent a true "home" Christmas.  Of course, snow was plentiful.  I remember my Dad dressing up like Santa for my mom's Christmas work parties.  He would "show-up" and give candy to all of the kids.  I was proud.

I also remember when Aunt Betty moved to Colorado.  I remember going over to her house.  She always wore red and a Christmas apron.  She was the best.  Going to her house brings back sented memories, watching T.V. and lots and lots of laughter and fun.  I miss her.

Once we moved to Texas, we spent a the first Christmas with my dad's nephew and his wife.  I assume that was nice, but I don't really remember it too much.  My dad died the following spring.  Every other Christmas we spent at Aunt Barbara's house.  I remember her placing an emphasis on Christ and children.  I always felt special at her house.  She made sure that everyone had a great day and felt a part of the celebration.

I think that is what Roger is trying to capture today.  There were only a few children there today.  The house was crowded and the event was eventless.  This is where I felt out of place.  I wonder what is wrong with me, but I don't think there is anything wrong with me.  My kids are who they are.  There aren't going to change because we moved here.  They don't want to be a part of this celebration; they want their own celebration.  They want their own tradition.  They want us together and enjoying each other, not eating food they don't like trying to fit in where they don't and feeling isolated.  I think it is time to move on and begin the traditions over again.  Or, maybe it is time to skip tradition and allow spontaneity to reign.

A  good friend gave me some profound words of wisdom that I'm going to pass on to my children and take with me into the new year, "you can't go back but you can go forward."

So, as Christmas day closes, I am not going back.  I'm going forward.  I don't know what that is going to look like in 2011, but it is progressive, new, and positive.

Tomorrow is another day.

Christmas Eve

Well, it is our first Christmas Eve in Oklahoma.  I'm not sure what I expected.  I guess I didn't spead a lot of time thinking about it.  Maybe, I just thought it would all somehow work itself out. 

Jon did a good job trying to keep things "jolly".  Adam is still struggling with begin in Oklahoma.  He insists that he hates me.  This is a daily thing.  It is a good thing that I'm secure in myself.  Otherwise, suicide would be an option.

Alyssa just seems to enjoy everything. 

It was actually a pretty quiet evening, a bit surreal, a bit melancholy. 

So, what is Christmas anyway?  I guess its hard for me to define what "home" is.  Maybe because we moved around a bit while I was growing up.  With each new location, there was a new Christmas to celebrate.  Maybe it became a part of who I am.  Maybe I need to move to keep life interesting.  I think Christmas needs to be in our hearts.  Does it really matter where we are or who we're with?  I think not.  The reality of life doesn't always look like a Hallmark movie.  Maybe it isn't predictable.

What is family?  My kids don't even know what Christmas is like from my families perspective.  And, they won't get a good picture of that tomorrow either.  I hope they can get past themselves and try to embrace where and what they are.

I miss Jeremy and Alex.  It was good talking to Jeremy.  From what I understand, they have been forced to do a little growing up.

Christmas tomorrow...